I have a married friend who struggles with pornography. His wife simply isn’t interested in sex anymore. Every time he advanced, he was met with violent opposition. So, he simply stopped asking and chose to turn to the false satisfactions of the internet.
Another friend of mine was addicted to promiscuity. Her husband was so bent on climbing the corporate ladder, that he never made time for her. Eventually, she began to date outside of her marriage and became a slave to the lifestyle. By the time their marriage began to heal, she couldn’t stop.
And then there is that one friend we all have, who doesn’t understand he’s married. He still frequents the after-hour spots, or “window shops” women or constantly bombards Facebook with skin-selfies. Maybe your friend’s a married woman. Either way, they’re completely dishonoring their marriage and just don’t understand or don’t seem to care.
Sometimes I think my wife and I could have avoided many of the marital pitfalls we traveled through, had we submitted to God before we were married. You see, we’re both forgiven adulterers. We both had to deal with selfish pride driving us away from one another. If we had a genuine love for the Lord before we made our vows, maybe we would have embraced the enormous responsibility and cherished the great honor that is marriage. It took us a while to get to the place of love and trust, but God’s grace and mercy saved our marriage. While listening to John MacArthur this morning, I was reminded that the fight for our marriage is never really over, as long as we breathe. Satan has a plan to not only destroy our marriage, but all Godly marriages as well.
In his radio message, “To Marry Or Not To Marry”, pastor John MacArthur preached on biblical marriage, straight from 1 Corinthians 7. But this wasn’t a boring sermon. Instead, pastor John hit his listening audience in the face with real talk. You should have seen me feverishly scribbling notes while I listened, because I didn’t want to miss a thing. With my iPod handy, I wrote down a few direct quotes from pastor John; quotes that I think every husband and wife need to remember.
- “You have an obligation in your marriage, to give to one another what you owe to one another.”
When I married Misty Nielsen, I spiritually tied myself to her. I promised to provide for her every need, without question, and she did the same. God expects me to honor that cheerfully. I owe her happiness, to the best of my ability. Don’t misunderstand me here: only God can provide her with joy unspeakable. But, as her husband, he entrusted me with her marital happiness. If I’ve been saving up for a 2015 Honda CBR 650f motorcycle and my wife has desired a family vacation for five years, I better use that $9,000 to fulfill her wishes, and I’d better do it cheerfully. That attitude carries over into marital intimacy, as well. Our culture teaches us the attitude, “I’ll do what I want to do, and nothing else.” But, if that attitude binds my wife’s happiness, because of my selfishness, it’s no good. This brings us to point number two.
- “When you withhold from your partner for any reason, you put that partner in a place where Satan will tempt them toward their lack of self-control.”
Let me put it to you this way: if you continue to deny your spouse what he or she asks for, you will literally drive them toward the very temptation that your marriage was designed to keep them away from.
“Babe, I was think that we could—”
“No. I don’t feel like it.”
“Honey, the kids are gone. Maybe we can—”
“Not tonight. I just want to get some sleep. Don’t forget you promised to take my sister to work in the morning.”
“Gosh, get away from me! Is that all you ever think about? I’m really not in the mood!”
Strike three. You’ve just given Satan the green light to tempt your God-given husband. Remember the friend I told you about, who fell into the sin of promiscuity? Her husband chose his career over their marital happiness. Satan came calling, and she accepted. Pastor John goes so far as to reiterate the point in this manner: “Anytime you withhold from your partner that which is rightfully theirs, you become the agent of Satan.”
Whaaaaaattttttttt?! You mean to tell me, by denying my wife’s happiness, I’m doing the work of the enemy? Let’s visit point three.
- “Now you say you love your wife, men; women, you say you love your husband? Then don’t ever put your wife or husband in a situation where they are open to the temptation of Satan, simply because you’re selfish!”
My married friend, whose wife simply decided to stop having sex with her husband, comes to mind here. He is responsible for seeking out the internet trash, but she didn’t help him much by denying him. In 1 Corinthians 7:4, Paul says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Our culture is so backwards, that married men would rather spend hours in the gym perfecting the look of their bodies than to spend that same time in intimacy with the wife God blessed them with. It’s perfectly okay to workout. But, if you’re working out to maintain a certain look, and then plaster that look all over social media, who are you really trying to satisfy; yourself or your spouse? My body doesn’t belong to me, and it certainly doesn’t belong to Crystal, Michelle, Stacy, Evette, Julie, Kimberly—and every other woman I know—to enjoy through Facebook! That kind of activity will drive my wife, the one person who isn’t seeing me half naked, straight into the carnal mindset. This brings us to John’s last point.
- “If I say I love my wife; if you say you love your husband; if that’s really true, then you will never willfully, openly put that person in a place where Satan begins to tempt them to carnality.”
The carnal mind is set on the desires of our flesh; our lusts; our fantasies; conquests not of God, but of ego. If my selfish ego causes me to deny the desires of my wife—desires placed in her heart by God, for our marriage—then how can I actually expect her to remain totally faithful to me? It can’t be done! We’re human living in a fallen world. What’s her motivation for remaining true to a guy who seemingly doesn’t want her? Why would I expect her to be strong enough to deny her physical needs with others, when I’m too prideful to fulfill her desires?
Pride’s a monster. It tells us that our wants and desires are more important than anyone else’s. It’s the author of divorce. It’s the instigator of numerous marital spats. It’s anti-love. It has no place occupying space in a Godly marriage. What if your spouse asked you to do something totally uncharacteristic for them? It would bring them joy. Deep down, we all know what makes our spouse happy. For whatever reason, we choose to cater to our own desires instead of pleasing them.
I think this is a good place to pose a question for my married readers. Tonight, can you put your pride aside and submit to your spouse without them asking you to do so? Would you let pride, hinder that happiness?