I spend a lot of time complaining about the lack of attention I receive. I clock hours writing articles and stories that I claim glorify you. I work into the late night hours, and sometimes days, putting together original beats and melodies with the plans of writing God-glorifying lyrics or at least passing the instrumentals on to an artist who will honor you. My DJ controller/mixer has clocked some pretty insane hours as I constantly record sessions for my various social media sites. Speaking of social media, I’ve spent loads of time trolling and following various Christian artists and authors; reaching out to give a word of encouragement whenever I feel led to do so.
Through it all, I convince myself I’m doing your will. But tonight I dug deep and faced the truth. In my heart, I’ve long for the glory you deserve. I’ve secretly harbored a desire to hear or read a comment from someone—anyone—who gets where I’m coming from; who acknowledges my efforts.
“Hey brother, just wanted to let you know what you said to me really touched my heart.”
“Hey Ennis, your music really grabbed hold of me today.”
“Brother E, I just wanted to say ‘Thank You’ for writing that piece today. It really spoke to me.”
When did my selfish ambitions take the place of your glorification, Lord? When did you receiving the honor become cheap, compared to me receiving praise for my efforts? When did I fall victim to selfish desires, through the gifts you’ve given me?
In my heart, I want people to praise my writing; my music; my witty banter; my words of encouragement. I want it for me. When I pray that you would bless my talents, I’m praying for self-glorification. Your glory is a distant second despite my words.
This is hard for me to write and accept, because no one wants to acknowledge their own dark side. I need you to know that I see what you’ve known all along. I see my selfish intentions and ambitions. Tonight, I give them to you.
I’m sorry Lord. Please forgive me for putting you behind me. Help me to see clearly, and to use the talents you’ve given me to truly honor you, with no expectations of personal gain. If you don’t get the glory, I don’t want to do it. My confession is real. Guide every step I take, from this moment going forward, Jesus.